It's Time for a Joke

It's always a good time for a Joke

Funny Stories

“Ladies” and “Gentlemen”

While traveling with a Sister Cities/Chamber of Commerce business-exchange group to Nagaoka, Japan, I was asked to speak after breakfast about marketing in the U.S. Seeing an opportunity to show off my linguist skills, I asked my interpreter how to pronounce the words on the distant signs for “Ladies” and “Gentlemen.”

After practicing to myself, I began my speech with “Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen” in Japanese. This got quite a reaction from the audience. I delivered a killer 20 minutes of marketing wisdom, and sat down to generous applause. I was quite pleased with myself. Only later did I learn how strange my greeting was: One of our hosts gently inquired why I had started my talk with “Good Morning, toilets and urinals.”

Lee Rogers
The Rogers Group Marketing and Advertising

The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two dollars.

A man walks into a bar and sees a friend at A table, drinking by himself. Approaching his Friend, he comments, ‘you look terrible. What’s The matter?’ ‘my mother died in august,’ his friend says, ‘and left me $25,000.’ ‘man, that’s tough,’ he replies. ‘then in september,’ the friend continues, ‘my father died, leaving me $90,000.’ ‘wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.’ ‘and last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.’ ‘three close family members lost in three Months? How sad.’ ‘then this month,’ continued the friend, ‘absolutely nothing!’

A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar. They sit down next to each other and get to Talking. Their chat soon turns to their sea Adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting Wars with the navy, and the pirate tells of robbing Ships and killing his enemies. The sailor notices That the pirate has an eye patch, a hook and a Peg leg, and asks, ‘how did you get the peg leg?’ The pirate replies, ‘when i was thrown off my Ship and floated for two days until my crew Rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark As i was being pulled out of the water.’ The sailor, impressed, says, ‘wow! That’s very Exciting. But what about the hook?’ The pirate smiles, shining the hook on his coat Sleeve. ‘when i was sword-fighting with an Enemy pirate for treasure, he took it right off.’ The sailor’s eyes are wide with awe at how tough This pirate is, and he asks, ‘how did you get the Eye patch?’ ‘well,’ says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit, ‘a seagull s*** in my eye.’ The sailor looks puzzled. ‘you lost an eye from Seagull s***?’ The pirate sighs and shakes his head. ‘it was my First day with the hook.’

Fred at last could see a way of making a fortune. He had trained his parrot, After month of hard work, to tell jokes. At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work, and took the parrot down To his pub. ‘this is my incredible joke-telling parrot,’ boasted fred. ‘go on ,’ jeered the pub regulars. ‘we’ll give you ten to one that your parrot Can’t tell us a joke.’ ‘all right,’ replied fred. ‘i accept your bet.’ But try as he could, fred was unable to make the parrot talk — let alone tell Jokes. On the way home fred shook the bird and shouted: ‘what do you mean by Keeping quiet? You made me lose a ten to one bet!’ ‘don’t worry!’ Squawked the parrot. ‘tomorrow you’ll be able to get fifty to One.’

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal Meaty Nuggets at my local supermarket and was standing in the queue at the register. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Pal Meaty Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies. ] Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' 'No gym to work out at?' said Tony 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'If it wasn't for you and your f*cking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

 

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